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TRANSCRIPT:
I have an issue. And it’s causing me a lot of problems. Imagine this. You’re at a party. You’re feelin’ good, you look good, you’re really confident in yourself. Surrounded by friends, food, and the occasional dog. Then, all of a sudden, a giant showerhead appears above you and soaks you in social embarrassment, awkwardness, and the unmistakable feeling of wanting to crawl into a hole and die. That’s me. On a daily basis, actually. I can’t go anywhere without looking like I ran a 10 mile marathon through the Sahara Desert with ski clothes on. Everyone turns and looks at me. Thinking the same thing. ‘Did she jump into a pond, or something?’ I’m saturated everywhere. I try to dry myself off in the bathroom with the blow dryers, but that only spreads the sweat to unsavory places… or savory places, if we’re going to be honest. People stop and stare. Kids point, adults whisper. When I try to eat in a restaurant, the metal utensils slip out of my grasp. I struggle to catch them like an inmate with a bar of soap. I’m asked to leave for causing a disturbance. I slip-n-slide out of the doors and onto the street.
Imagine lying in bed. With a nice mattress. Firm, but not hard enough that your spine cracks in half. Now, imagine it suddenly turns into a waterbed that sprung a leak in the middle of the night. You wake up cold, wet, and confused as to how you turned into Antarctica during global warming. You get up and get a bath towel to dry yourself, almost slipping and slapping your drenched body into the poor wall. It’s winter now, and it gets as cold as 20 degrees where I am. When I walk outside, I turn into a walking icicle. Sure, it looks fun in movies and tv-shows to be ‘frozen solid’, but the only fun I got was trying to fit my statue-esque body into my car so I could go to work that morning. You know that feeling when you’re supposed to defrost the chicken before your parents get home, but you don’t? And when they’re pulling into the driveway you’re taking a flamethrower to the poor thing? Yeah, that’s what it was like. I set my car’s temperature so high, Hell would be jealous. My coworkers constantly ask me if I’m okay, and if I need a paper towel for my… external secretions. You fool. You naive cretin. There would be no more paper towels left in the world if I used them. All of the factories and companies would be bankrupt. Ruined by a girl who sweats more than a fat man with asthma running a marathon. Brawny would have to pack up and move somewhere else. No amount of muscles or tenacity or quicker picker-uppers could quench my body’s longing to become one with the Atlantic Ocean.
It ruined an outing with my friends one day. We were at a local bar, but we didn’t drink. No, my friends save that for home when they’re alone and can down a bottle of vodka without being judged. We were all eating and enjoying the live music that was playing. One of my friends stood up and asked me to go dance with her. I could feel my body begin to turn. Like Aquamarine when she touches water. (If you haven’t seen that movie, you’re an uncultured swine.) I refuse her, saying that I wasn’t up for dancing. All of the lights and seeing actual people was giving me a headache. Instead, she physically dragged me onto the floor and began to dance with reckless abandon. She wasn’t drunk, she just was like this all of the time. I stood there awkwardly, like it was my first prom and I got asked out by the popular, hot cheerleader who’s white, blonde, kinda dumb, blue eyes, and is dating the jock named Chad. My friend assured me everything would be fine, and to not stress about it. Have fun. (haha) Like telling a person who’s stressing to ‘have fun’ is definitely going to work, like boom, thank you for enlightening me, you should become a therapist.
After I didn’t move for a few minutes, my friend grabbed my hand and twirled me. Everyone went blind. People were screaming, lights were flickering. A huge tsunami wave came over all of them and soaked their food and themselves. I tried sparing them from the sticky, salty water shower, but I was too late. Everyone was screaming. Some were crying, and others were throwing up in nearby trash bins. I waded through the sweat to the front door. When I opened it, the water came bursting forth like a great hurricane and swirled everyone I knew and loved down the drains into the sewer. I was grieving, but I knew Pennywise would take better care of them than I ever did… I miss them… sometimes I think I can still hear their voices…
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